Kingdom Hearts! Ahem, sorry. I’m so hyped up on Kingdom Hearts III that I can hardly contain my excitement. I, along with many, have been waiting for this game for a long time. I graduated the year Kingdom Hearts II came out aka 2006. Sure some of the spinoffs in-between were good and I am baffled by how much time I’ve sunk into the mobile game, Kingdom Hearts Union χ. Suffice it to say I’m a huge fan, but there’s nothing quite like an actual numbered sequel on a current console to really get the blood pumping. That hasn’t happened since two, again, in 2006. It’s not like Kingdom Hearst III has been in development for a decade, but regardless of which it’s been a long time coming. Have you seen the most recent trailer for the game courtesy of the D23 Expo in Japan? If not I’ll let you sink your teeth into this one.

Watch it? Yeah, pretty freaking sweet. I can’t wait to become knockoff LEGO Sora. Now you know why I’m so hyped. Every trailer that comes out builds my excitement more and more. I don’t really believe it’s coming out in 2018 though. I’m thinking March 2019 at the very earliest. Start placing your bets now people. Anyway I need to ventilate some of this steam somehow so I dug up some memes to brighten the mood. Trust me. If you’re saddened by the thought of a delay just these twenty-five entries to make your cares go away.

24 Ninth In Line

Kingdom Hearts III is technically the ninth game in the series. Let’s count them down just so you have an idea. I’ll list them out in their proper release order too and that’s not including ports, or remakes. So first we obviously have Kingdom Hearts, then Chain of Memories, then Kingdom Hearts II, then Coded, then 358/2 Days, then Birth by Sleep, then Dream Drop Distance, and lastly Unchained χ, or as its known now Union χ. Did you know all those?

Kingdom Hearts III will hopefully be the Final Fantasy IX of the series.

While yes a majority of those games are spinoffs, they’re all cannon even if some of them retcon some stuff. This meme is more of a “well actually” sort of joke that’s clever, but not necessarily funny.

23 Ha Ha Ha

I recently complained about Tidus in my Final Fantasy X comics piece. He’s a crybaby that has some major daddy issues. Plus the twist he was dead the whole time was a joke. You’d think he would be worse as a child right? Well in Kingdom Hearts it’s quite the opposite really. True he doesn’t say much, but that’s probably why I liked him better. He was a cool opponent to spar against on Destiny Island plus his redesign was much simpler and in my book that means he was less goofy looking. It is a little odd how dark his skin got from Final Fantasy X to Kingdom Hearts, but whatever. All in all I’d play an all child demake of Final Fantasy X any day of the week.

22 Evolution Gone Astray

Forget about the eternal question about why Pluto can’t talk, but Goofy can. Kingdom Hearts brings up a better theological question. Goofy is a dog that much we know for absolute sure. What kind is he? It doesn’t matter. In certain worlds, Donald uses his magic to transform the trio to better match the natives, but they’re always illogical. Let’s not deal with Donald right now and instead focus on Goofy.

Darwin is rolling over in his grave right now.

In the Little Mermaid world from the first game and in The Lion King world from the second, Goofy transforms into turtles. Turtles! I get that no undersea dog exists, but wow. Why in the jungle would that make sense though? Again, Donald is a whole other bucket of agony.

21 Cloud From The Crypt

I’m not a fashion guy, but what is up with that outfit Cloud? The meme is right on the money and it’s the first thing I thought when playing Kingdom Hearts. It looks as though Cloud vanquished Vincent and stole his motif. There’s the bat wing, the golden claw, and of course that long billowing red cape. Don’t get me wrong.

Swords don’t work like that.

It looks awesome and I’m all in favor of touching up the designs of characters for cameos, but why this? Also, why is the Buster Sword bandaged? That’s not going to heal it Cloud. With that and his outfit he looks like he’d be a better fit for the Halloween Town world. Maybe that was a scrapped idea, or something.

20 A Magical Dilemma

Get ready to think. Okay so Donald is a Black Mage in Kingdom Hearts as you can see from his getup early on in Mickey’s Castle plus his first rod literally has the head of a Black Mage on it. If that’s the case then why can he heal? Black Mages, in the Final Fantasy games, can only use offensive magic. Sometimes they can use stat debuffs like Poison so in that regard Square Enix plays it fast and loose. Healing is never incorporated though. A Red Mage, on the other hand, is adept at both white and black magic. Wouldn’t it make more sense to make Donald a Red Mage then? I guess the red would clash too much with Sora plus Donald’s clothes have always been blue.

19 When Moogles Fly

On the subject of Kingdom Hearts III it’s time that I break some hearts. Since last year Square Enix has doubled down on the idea that the game will come out in 2018. I very much doubt that as I’ve already stated. They’ve shown quite a few trailers up to this point, but most focus on a single world. It’s sort of like how fighting games like Street Fighter release trailers, showcasing one new fighter per trailer. We don’t even know what the plot is about. Yes, you can deduce it based on the games previous, but I feel like Square Enix should be better at clearly messaging their plan. That’s why I don’t think it’s coming out this year. In terms of the quality I’m also pretty nervous.

18 Toy Guns

Remember that joke about the Fisher Price stuff from earlier? Yeah, now I have legit cause to bring it up again. I mean look at those? Doesn’t it look like Sora is actually confused about them? They don’t look like guns to me, but they definitely are. It’s not like Disney, or Square Enix disavows guns in their games, or films. So why degrade their look for Kingdom Hearts?

I’d buy a Nerf one of those.

It’s a game for all ages and not just children. I guess it’s all a style thing just like Cloud’s altered design for Kingdom Hearts. Plus, you know, gunning down Heartless with dual Glock pistols would also look silly and Sora uses a key for a weapon for crying out loud.

17 Flame On!

If you haven’t paid attention to Kingdom Hearts since Kingdom Hearts II then you’re a fool. Like I said earlier all of the spinoffs, even the mobile game, are all cannon. That means you have some catching up to do if you want to try and make sense of an already convoluted mess of a story. Take the ending of Dream Drop Distance for example. Axel’s heart has been replaced so he now goes by the name Lea again plus he got his own Keyblade.

Call Apple, because Axel found a hotkey.

Wait, so how did he become Lea again? We missed that part of the story. Plus if that’s true why keep the Organization XIII robes? It was cool admittedly, but it seemed a little slapped together to give the ending a more juicy twist.

16 Gawrsh’s Wrath

Ah yes, the reaction heard round the world. This joke has been modified all over the Internet when the latest trailer dropped. Sora, Donald, and Goofy all look weird as monsters from Monsters Inc., but Goofy is definitely the creepiest. Gawrsh, for the purposes of this meme, is a stand-in for God as it sounds close enough and Gawrsh is Goody’s catchphrase. Also it’s a question people often ask when trying to solve the riddles of the universe. Why are we here? Is God real? Does God make mistakes? Why can’t Pluto talk, but Goofy can? You get the idea. Point is in this context it’s hilarious since Goofy is ugly in that form, or at least unnerving. I didn’t originate the joke, but I did perfect it.

15 Rock Your Body Right

If you grew up in the 90s then this might be the funniest meme on the list. They were one of two pop sensations that ruled the airwaves and young girls’ hearts. And yes, admittedly, their music is very catchy right alongside their rival NSYNC. One of their best songs came from their second album exclaiming that they were back and better than ever. Can’t you see Organization XIII singing that in Kingdom Hearts II after their downfall in Chain of Memories? They’re just a glorified boy band anyway. Sure technically there were two girls, but whatever. Ignoring that joke it’s still funny. The only thing that would have made it funnier is if I replaced their faces with band members, but as we’ve already established I suck at Photoshop.

14 Of Goats And Balding

I’m sure this is a comparison that has existed for a while now and if you haven’t seen it, well, I guess it’s new to you. For those non-anime fans out there the guy on the left is Keith Shadis from Attack on Titan. He’s in charge of training all new recruits. He looks a little evil, but those dark circles are just because he’s just tired. Xehanort, on the other hand, is pure evil.

Do yourself a favor and also Google Ron Conli.

It’s sad that the amazing Leonard Nimoy won’t be respiring his role of the villain in Kingdom Hearts III since he’s now left this mortal coil. Might be the thing I’m most anxious about. Anyway these two characters have absolutely nothing to do with each other, but they are very similar, no?

13 First Review

I’ve brought up Chain of Memories a lot up to this point so I may as well talk about it and I have a lot to say. One, I loved Kingdom Hearts and was ecstatic about a sequel. I didn’t have a Game Boy Advance at the time, but I borrowed one from a friend just to play though this game. It was technically the first review I ever wrote, which was for my school paper. I guess that’s when my game coverage bug kicked in. Anyway the new villains comprised of the Organization XIII were great and the visuals were top notch, but it was a little tedious. The card battle system just bogged down what was already a fun system. I guess my question is just why?

12 Rule XIII

This is not a joke. If there were a poll for most endorsed Kingdom Hearts fanfiction it would be between Axel and Roxas. It’s not hard to see why obsessed girls would want to ship them either. For one even I can admit they’re both pretty. Roxas kind of sucks though, but Axel is the man. Second, they have a strong bond in the story.

I didn’t get lucky like these two.

One of bros, but of course some could interpret that connection differently. I had some friends in college that kind of scared me. Their passion for this fan relationship seemed over the top so much so that I thought it was a joke. Then I said something mad let’s just say things did not go the way I thought they would.

11 Help I’m With Johnny Derp

Sora should you be running around with Johnny Depp? What would your parents say? Oh right you don’t care about them. Before you say, “oh but Tristan he obviously doesn’t have parents” let me preemptively interject. Sora at the very least has a mom. The night before Sora, Riku, and Kairi are going to set sail on their raft; you see a scene with a female voice calling for Sora to come to dinner. Yes, he has a mom and yes he has a real house. For all the spinoffs that we’ve seen they’ve sure ignored that fact. Sora’s heart bleeds for everyone he sees, but he never talks about missing his parents. That just seems weird to me. Maybe something will happen in Kingdom Hearts III.

10 Slappin Da Bass Mon

And we’re back to talking about Fisher Price toys. Look. I obviously know Japan knows what guitars. I’m not a moron. That doesn’t make this meme any less funny. It’s just hard to take Demyx seriously when he’s rocking out on a giant, uh, paddle with strings with spikes at the end. I also understand the team wanting to appear more kid friendly and thus over exaggerating designs to make them feel less like weapons and more like, well, I don’t know what.

A little inside joke from I Love You Man.

Toys? That said I already brought up Xaldin’s spears so that can’t be the reason. Whatever the case may be Demyx’s guitar looks too ridiculous for words. I feel like he should be on Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood with that thing.

9 A Synchronized Joke

Time to get back to the Backstreet Boys once again. Oh, oops I mean NSYNC. It’s so hard to remember who belonged to what. Anyway, when I first heard Lance Bass was going to play Sephiroth my mouth dropped to the floor. First of all, I’ve never seen him act. He always looked like the starry-eyed dumb one of the band though. How could he portray the best villain in all of Final Fantasy? I dug in my heels, but in actuality, he was pretty good. I think he only says like seven words, but it was fine. The only thing bad is quite the opposite. I wish they had written more for Bass otherwise what’s even the point of getting him. Not bad Bass.

8 Mind Meld

So, first of all, I thoroughly enjoyed Inception when it came out even if some of the science didn’t seem right. Well, I think Nomura, for all intense and purposes the god of Kingdom Hearts, watched that movie and thought he could do it better. Better, in his world, meaning infinitely more insane and illogical. There are sleeping keyholes Sora and Riku must seal in order to pass their Keyblade examine.

Stay away from this nightmare Scary Terry.

Turns out Xehanort and the remnants of Organization XIII put Sora to sleep the whole time and Riku was actually Sora’s Dream Eater. I know that explanation probably doesn’t make sense, but there’s not enough time in the universe to fully explain it here. If you’ve played Dreamed Drop Distance then you’re in on the joke.

7 Phoenix Riku

Riku’s stance and finger pointing perfectly emulates that of the performances found in the Phoenix Wright games. Now truthfully you could easily replace the writing on there for anything. Coke is better than Pepsi, The Backstreet Boys are better than NSYNC, Ketchup is better than mustard, and so on. What we have now is good too and it’s an issue I struggle with every day, or at least when someone asks me what series I like more. Both have had their ups and downs and honestly, Kingdom Hearts has had more downs overall. And yet there’s still something about them that I like more. Maybe it’s the fact that I like action RPGs more, or Disney’s influence, or the fact that it’s one long continuing story.

6 Math Jokes Can Be Fun

Speaking of the low points in Kingdom Hearts let’s talk about the most ridiculed name: 358/2 Days. When you play the game it makes sense, sort of, but it’s still stupid. Why make your title into an equation unless you want it to get made fun of? Dumb names aside the game is also pretty poor and most of that isn’t the game’s fault. The DS is a great system, but not for controlling action RPGs.

The math really equates to 179 if you’re curious.

It made the camera situation almost virtually unplayable at times. The idea was solid. Create a Kingdom Hearts setting up the back-story of Organization XIII and at the same time add in co-op multiplayer. It was clunky, but a neat idea at least.

5 Back From The Lifestream

How could I not insert more than one Phoenix Wright meme with epic pointing like this? In some ways, this is even better because it’s a statement I can wholeheartedly get behind. For starters when Final Fantasy VII was translated into English, the writers put in Aeris when in actuality it was supposed to be more like Aerith in Japanese. As sort of a course correction five years later they changed it back to Aerith when Kingdom Hearts was released.

It’ll always be Aeris to me.

While it is nice to correct an error, a name seems a little too late to swap for an entire region. A famous bad translation was in Metal Gear Solid. Instead if “I fell asleep” it says, “I feel asleep.” Changing that is okay, but again a name is weird.